An Affinity for Infinity

Mathematicians are playas. They'll roll right up on yo function and be all like "Yo Effavex, why don't you climb up into my ti-89."  And yo function will usually put out--some real number.  They won't stick with that same function either, cuz they'll derive it crazy.

When I was 18, like most 18 year-olds, I was insecure. Most of my responses to people included the words "I know."  Here's a hint, If most of your responses to people include the words "I know," then you probably aren't letting yourself learn anything and therefore don't know.  At an older age I have learned to suck up my pride.  Sure I am smart, but that means I am smart enough to abuse the resources afforded me.  At 18 I was dumb enough to think I was smart enough to not need those resources. 

So, maybe I understand my analysis class better than most, and maybe I am better at proof writing.  This doesn't change the fact that I suck at arithmetic and sometimes need a reminder that 1/X is greater than X where X<1 (Oh David, you mathematical moron, you).  There is no learning in pretense.  Although there is, and I know there is because I have got it, pretense in learning. 

Even the biggest players need a wing-man from time to time.  For this reason I'm starting a study group for my analysis class. Oh the white boards we will fill to a montage that will result in slow-mo high-fives . . .  I can't wait.

 

crap!  I got a-sub-n all over this shirt, I should change.

Roads? Where we're going we don't need roads . . . but you might want to bring your ti-86

King Nebuchadnezzer dreamed of a statue.  It had a gold head, silver mid-bits, a belly and thighs of bronze, iron legs, and clay feet.  Whoever designed this statue must have, at every stage, said to himself, "Wow, this is turning out better than I expected!  Maybe I should upgrade my medium."  . . . or, maybe, it just meant King N's kingdom was in store for some crappier times.

"Hey Dave," you might say as we enjoy our ice cream cones, "Your overall pretense makes me think you have it all together.  You, obviously, are not worried about finishing school.  Man, this is one mighty fine hypothetical frozen treat."  I am, however, not immune to the nervousness everyone gets when beginning something new.  I ask myself:  Was I not just a big fish in a little pond?  Will third and fourth year math classes be much harder than I expect? 

After all, I did just bomb a basic algebra competency quiz at my tutoring interview.  It was if I was just given a driving lesson in a car with a manual transmission and had no problem putting the car into first gear, but could not quite understand how to operate the turn signal.  "Good!," my instructor would exclaim as I eased on the gas through the clutch's sweet-spot (with minimal instruction, of course), ". . . now make this next left."  I honk the horn; he shakes his head no.  I turn on the wipers; he shakes his head no.  I flick the turn signal clockwise; he snaps his clipboard in half. 

I wonder, "What if I'm just not cut out for this mathematics racket?"  Then, as I'm using the self checkout at the supermarket, I realize an employee is coming over to help me.  Apparently I cannot look up the sku for my avocados, without the help of a King Soopers employee.  I, who once worked at a grocery store, cannot read the large "4225" on the sticker of each avocado and put it into the computer (there were six avocados in all-- 6 avocados x 1 "4225" = 6 "4225"s).  It was then I realized, academia and I deserve each other.  I was meant for this. 

After all, there are academics and then there are people who are actually useful.  Now I wonder how I am supposed to get one of these avocados open.  Maybe it would help if I drew a force diagram.

Those Who Can't Do

When CD's came out people forgot how to use record players.  When Al Gore gave us the internet, he unwittingly damned the bound encyclopedia industry.  After Jesus came, people forgot how to properly burn a turtle-dove (or is it two turtle-doves?) over stone.  With the calculator, we no longer needed to deal with those pesky mathematical details.

I was smart enough in high-school to be stupid and take neither a fourth year of math nor a fourth year of science.  Being interested in only that which pertained to art, I then forgot what I had learned in those subjects the three years I did take them.  With a blank mind I was free to absorb more art facts; I was free to retain more self-taught philosophy; I was free to bomb my math placement test when I finally returned to college.  I placed into math 103, "Intermediate Algebra."  This bored me; so, I walked right up to the dean of the mathematics department and said, "Dean of the mathematics department, I do not want to take these silly classes.  My mom tells me I'm a smart boy.  Please wave all prerequisites such as, but not limited to, college algebra, geometry, and trigonometry.  Thank you for your time."

Tomorrow I have an interview for a math tutoring position.  If I am given this job I will tutor kids from k-12 in mathematics .  The question occurs to me, "do I know any mathematics on the k-12 level?"  Unless 2nd graders have a habit of struggling with integrating functions involving the inverse tangent, I believe the answer is no.   No, I do not remember polynomial long division (or regular long division for that matter), how to complete the square (OK, so I can probably do that if I squint enough), or how to properly use one of those factorials (the "!," if you forget). 

I will now have to spend my night cramming all the math in my brain that I once tried so hard to forget.  I think my interviewer mentioned something about a quiz.  I sure hope, but very much doubt, that there is a definite integral on it -- otherwise I might just embarrass myself.

Wait a minute . . .  I think I'm starting to get it!

Sometimes the Road Less Traveled is Less Traveled Because It is Ridiculous.

I am now in Colorado. I was not always in Colorado. After graduating high school (in Philadelphia), like most 18 year-olds, I decided it best that I should drop out of college after only a year. After all, I did co-start a sweet production company (who, at that point, was moving from filming Mr. and newly Mrs. Hissurname, to grand productions such as Cairnwood: A Home in the Country). I also had acquired a bitchin’ Camaro Z28. Living this big, I saw no need to complete a degree in Bible.

I then had a falling out with the co-founder my production company, so I left the prestigious world of producing aimless documentaries for non-profits who had acquired too much money in the form of a grant with a soon expiring “use by” date. From there, I made a move in a similar direction – I enrolled in a tech school for exercise science and nutrition.

This led me to teach at the same tech school, helping me realize that all I wanted to do was teach adults. Before returning to school in this aim, I managed a fitness facility and worked as a private holistic nutrition consultant. But, after more than two years there I had roughly this conversation with the club’s owner.

Me: “Hi.”

Him: “You want to go to school, so I am hiring another trainer and you will no

longer be the manager of my struggling club. His name is DeeJay.”

Me: “D.J.?”

Him: “No DeeJay.”

Me: “He sounds stupid. You probably shouldn’t hire him.”

Him: “He is bigger and blacker than you, so he will actually form a client base.”

Me: “You have a point.”

He had a point. I’m rubbish as a trainer. While I have made it my job to learn everything there is to know about fitness, wellness, nutrition, and coconut products, I still have the body of an Olympic, female gymnast (narrow shoulders, small breasts, and a rather large butt). So I did what anyone else would have done – I enrolled at my community college as a mathematics major; using my secret knowledge of all things fitness to argue with, and later befriend, the guy running the fitness facility at aforementioned community college.

While finishing my associates in the maths, I have worked as a Division I strength coach, a bar back, a stock boy, a private video producer (to magicians and web-based RA training resource companies the like). Now, I have transferred to Colorado State University and I need a job.

So . . . If any of you happen to know of any jobs in video, fitness, nutrition, alcohol-based relaxation, or at a supermarket let me know.